Written by Katrina Shaw
I was clearing out the notes app on my phone (side note: as someone with ADHD, this is where all my endless and random thoughts go to be lost forever) and came across a list of reminders that I wrote about grief, after experiencing our first miscarriage last year.
It may surprise some people that 13years after my Mum died, with a multitude of other losses sprinkled along the way – not to mention the fact my profession is grief – that I still need these reminders from time to time. When you experience a loss, it can be hard to remain free from the trap of placing expectations upon ourselves that we would never dream of placing upon someone else because as the old saying goes, we are our harshest critics. And whilst we may know on some level of the reminders I’m about to share with you, sometimes we need a reminder – and sometimes, that reminder hits differently when it’s coming from a friend who gets it.
Five reminders if your grieving:
1. Give yourself compassion
Please, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to sit with the emotions you have without guilt or judgement. Rest when you need to. You’re allowed to say no (or yes). You’re allowed to put yourself first. Our inner critic is usually the first one to chime up after we experience loss and it causes us to cast blame on ourselves, or others, and to be consumed by expectation or guilt. Through self-compassion and seeing ourselves as we would a friend, we approach our circumstances with more kindness, in turn reducing our anxiety and suffering. You’re allowed to feel and all emotion is valid (this includes happiness).
2. Don’t rush the process
There is no time scale to our emotions and it’s important we allow ourselves the patience to move through what we might be feeling. Your emotions may sometimes come in waves and they may jump back up at you when you least expect it. It can be tempting to want to skip the tough feelings and move straight onto acceptance or finding meaning, but in doing so we risk allowing them grow roots in our mind, heart and body without ever truly resolving what the emotions mean and why we are feeling them.
3. Have a cuppa with the ‘devil’
What I mean by this is learn to sit with your emotions – both good and bad. Sit with them, reflect on them, ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Through giving ourselves the opportunity to understanding how we are feeling, we also give ourselves the opportunity to learn how to process and manage them. Don’t try to avoid your grief. Grief can also be a reminder of beautiful moments, of happiness and love.
4. There’s no such thing as a grief expert
Whether you’ve experienced loss before, whether you work in the field or both and more… there is no such thing as an expert in grief. Grief is ever-changing and always evolving and it will never feel the same. You’ll never have all the answers and neither will anyone else and that’s okay. You’ll be constantly learning. The closest person you’ll ever meet who is an expert in your grief, is you.
5. Talk – it really does help
Cliche, I know. But sometimes simple is best. As the queen Brene Brown says, “Repressed emotions are metastatic, they are not benign”. Whether it’s a professional, friend, family member or even a griefbud you’ve met through socials – talking really does help.
