Time is a funny thing. It goes both slowly and quickly, acting as a highlighter for memories created and moments missed. We learn so many lessons in grief but still feel like a rookie on a daily basis.
On 7th July 2010, my Mum, Greta, died at the age of 54. I can’t quite fathom that it’s been fourteen years since I saw her last. When she died, I was a naive 15 year old, who’s biggest concern was if she was going to get her homework done in time. Today, I’m married with two dogs, living in a different country and with a baby on the way. I’ve almost known life without her, more than I have known life with her and as a result, I’ve had to grow up quickly and have learnt a lot.
Now, I don’t see myself as an expert in grief because truly, I don’t think anyone ever is. Afterall, how can we be an expert on something that is so unique and ever changing? Instead, I feel I have a deep understanding for what grief means to me whilst being comfortable in knowing that it’ll sometimes surprise me.
I’m not an expert but I have learnt many lessons in grief and here are fourteen of them:
- Time doesn’t heal, it opens. It opens our understanding of what grief means to us and our ability as humans to keep moving forward. It opens our eyes to gratitude and joy found in the simplicity of daily moments. It opens our eyes to emotions we’ve never experienced and the duality we can feel.
- Grief is unpredictable as the Melbourne weather. It doesn’t always hit when you expect it will, like anniversaries or birthdays. Sometimes it’s hearing their favourite song on a Tuesday afternoon as you walk down the cereal aisle, holding back the tears.
- It gives you a super power in empathy because you know how hard life can sometimes feel.
- Grief becomes a part of you, but it doesn’t have to define you. You are so much more than your loss and their death.
- The time it takes to grieve is always.
- Everyone grieves differently, even amongst family. You can support each other at the same time as finding your own ways of continuing to live.
- Being happy doesn’t mean you’re dishonouring or forgetting them. You’re allowed to let joy back into your life.
- Ignoring your grief doesn’t make it go away, it only makes it louder. Find healthy outlets, talk to people you trust and give yourself compassion because grief is hard.
- Therapy can be amazing or terrible. Finding the right person for you at that moment is key. Consider trying a few different therapists before you commit to one you like – not too dissimilar to dating.
- People can’t read minds and in most cases they want to help. Learn how to communicate your needs and boundaries and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Some people will never understand, until they do.
- Grief changes you as a person. It reshapes your view of the world and shifts your perspectives. You’ll never be the same person, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sometimes, it gives an opportunity to grow.
- Loss doesn’t always bring people together, sometimes it can fracture relationships and it feels like a loss all over again. This is one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn so far.
- You’re not alone, no matter how lonely you feel at this moment. Be open to connecting with other people who get it because they will become like family.
Although I’ve learnt a lot from my grief, I sometimes need gentle reminders and here’s one for you: Don’t feel like you need it all figured out – we are all trying our best and learning as we fumble through the rocky landscape of grief. Remove the pressure and breathe.
