In grief, we so regularly hear people’s stories or have personal experience of someone telling us that it’s time we moved on from our grief, usually referencing a time scale that society deems socially acceptable for grievers to show an emotional response to their loss.
Prior to the 1990’s, researchers, clinicians and writers believed that grief is something which we need to leave behind, after travelling through a trajectory of stage-like actions. We now understand that this isn’t how grief works and unlike previous theories would have us believe, grief is individual and fluid. It’s not something that ceases to exist once we hit a milestone or by following a step-by-step process like a recipe card, but instead it’s ongoing. The Dual Process Model and Continuing Bonds theories both allow us to recognise that continuing a relationship with the deceased is healthy and a normal part of the grieving process.
The ‘Before’ and the ‘After’
Life can often feel like it’s split into a ‘before’ and ‘after’ when you experience significant loss. During those early days and weeks, your grief is completely consuming and you question how you will adjust to this new world – the ‘after’ – whilst constantly thinking and longing for the ‘before’. This period of time can sometimes be termed as ‘acute grief’. It feels like a black hole of never-ending darkness.
Navigating Acute Grief
Whether you spend your time reminiscing over past memories final conversations, or doing everything you can to ensure the mug they last used remains frozen on the counter where they left it, it can feel gentler on your heart to focus on the past in which they were here, rather than looking to the present in which they aren’t.
It can be a scary time. The emotions can feel overwhelming and the intensity can knock you off balance. We all respond to acute grief differently from person to person and even from day to day. As long as you are not risking the safety of yourself and others, there is no right or wrong during this time (or any time, for that matter).
Integrations – and what it means
Though hard to believe, you find yourself surviving the early days of grief, one day at a time, sometimes one deep breath at a time. And whilst the pain can sometimes feel just as sharp, your brain and body slowly start to adjust and make sense of this new ‘after’ you find yourself in. You’ll start going for walks again, attending social events, returning to work and dipping into moments of, dare I say it, happiness. This isn’t to say you won’t have minutes, hours or days in which your grief isn’t front and centre, but instead you find yourself moving between moments of joy and sadness, gratitude and longing. Many people attribute integration to the likeness of the ocean, a constant ebbing and flowing like waves – sometimes unpredictable, sometimes calm.
And so eventually, you find a way of living alongside your loss. Creating an ‘after’ world that doesn’t seem so frightening, that allows you to thrive whilst also carrying the memories you have of ‘before’ with you in a way that feels meaningful to you. It’s not about shutting the door on our grief, but instead welcoming it in as a friend.
